We're In!!

The cut-off is confirmed of June 30th!!!! Not only are we in, but the rest of June 2006 is being referred!! I am so happy for those included and for the morale boost for those behind us. Referral calls are happening in Europe today. The US should receive theirs tomorrow and hopefully our agency will call on Wednesday. It all seems so sudden (which I realize is ridiculous because we have been waiting more than 5 years).

From RQ:

http://chinaadopttalk.com/

Wednesday?

According to our agency, referrals have been mailed! Of course Monday is a holiday, so packages won't arrive until Tuesday. Our agency won't make calls that day, but waits to translate everything and makes calls the next day. SO we may know who our second child is on Wednesday! We still don't know what the cut-off is, so there is no guarantee we are in, but probably. The only cut-off rumor is for June 30th, which would be the largest batch in a couple years (4 times the size of last month)! So it is a little hard to believe, but it is being reported by multiple sources, so maybe. It would be nice for the rest of the Junies to be included together, and this would be a HUGE boost to everyone behind us. I hope we keep busy over the weekend.

Next??

Referrals came out today. Congratulations to all the new families! Unfortunately this was the smallest batch in history, with a cut-off June 20th. If they had gotten through the 21st we would definitely be in next month. Now, I think we will be in, but it is not a guarantee. I was disappointed and sad about the cut-off and then saw the email from our agency letting us know we were not in this month. They have never contacted us before, and the fact that they felt they needed to let us know we were not in this month – as if there was a chance we could have been – made me panic. How can I be disappointed about a small cut-off and panicked about potentially being in in the near future at the same time? Brains are confusing.

Next, Next

Yes – we are still adopting from China. After almost 5 years, I think we can safely say we “next next” and should finally see our second child’s face in late May or early June, and then travel probably at the end of August. At least we don’t have to worry about bringing any bulky winter clothes. When we went to Kazakhstan, it was in the 80s when we arrived and the low 40s when we left – that was hard to pack for.

Referrals came out yesterday and the cut-off was a tiny bit better than expected - June 15, 2006. Our LID is June 23, 2006. I think there is almost no chance that we could be in the next batch at the end of April (I predict a cut-off of June 21, although the 22 may sneak in there). There is also almost no chance that we WON’T be in the batch at the end of May! It feels very weird after the years of uncertainty and every month having to extend our estimate for referral another month (or another year) to actually know when we will get referral. In the back of my mind I keep worrying that something will happen – that maybe we were told the wrong LID or our dossier somehow fell behind a book case at some point over the past 5 years. Unfortunately things like that have happened, but they are always resolved.

Our new agency (after our first agency went out of business) will not provide any info the day referrals come out, but waits until they check and translate everything and makes calls the next day. This month, referrals arrived on a Friday, so people with our agency have to wait over the weekend to get any information – torture! It will be strange to actually know the day that we will get the call. I may have to take the day off work; how could I concentrate? I think I prefer how we got the call for Nikolai – we knew we were in the time range to receive information, but we had been in the range for months. Then out of the blue I got a call at work from our coordinator, who announced that they “had a little guy for us”!

I am trying not to hope for any particular “type” of referral, but it is hard because I do want a child as young as possible to limit the time they had to spend in an orphanage. I also would like a girl. But then again the referral photos of the toddlers are SO cute, and boys are great too. We’ll see what happens. We may have a heart attack if referred twins. I can’t comprehend even simple tasks with three young kids – like getting from the car into daycare. Twins are VERY unlikely, though.

Our house is totally not prepared for another child yet. The little one’s room is a mess and full of the clothes Nikolai has outgrown – in case we get another boy. We need to re-baby proof and figure out some system for toys that allows two development stages worth of toys to be out in our little living/play/TV/dining room (or perhaps we should use other parts of the house). I have no idea how to keep Nikolai’s toys with tiny pieces off of the floor. I guess we should try to teach him to pick up when he is done with things, but then that requires actually having space to put things away. My parents and Nikolai are coming to China with us! It will be essential to have my parents to help with Nikolai so that we can focus on the new child when needed and attend official paperwork things alone. We are not willing to go 3 weeks without bringing Nikolai. The only drawback is that my parents will also be jet-lagged when we get back. When we came home from Kazakhstan, my parents had filled our refrigerator with perishables and made a bunch of baby food. The first couple weeks home was crazy hard with Nikolai – I was SO tired, jet lagged, and sick. And I could not do anything without Nikolai clinging to my leg or wanting to be picked up, so I often went without lunch (except for the days our Kazakh neighbor brought me lunch!). Thinking back I find it hard to believe I couldn’t figure out a way to feed the baby and eat myself. I don’t know if it will be easier this time having experience as a parent. I should be a little less tired because we will have been in China for longer and had custody of our child longer. Then again this child may have a significantly harder time adjusting than Nikolai – who adjusted and attached easily. There have been discussions on Rumor Queen comparing the stress and fatigue associated with having a newborn to bringing home a newly adopted child. The consensus from those who have experienced both was that both are equally hard, but for very different reasons.

We need to prepare a little bit more in advance than we did for Kazakhstan (admittedly we were given only one week’s notice to arrive in Kaz). We will NOT pack the day we leave again (even if we ALWAYS end up packing the day we leave – including doing so twice for our trips to Kaz). We plan to cook some things and freeze them (soup, casseroles, etc.) as well as preparing baby food (if appropriate).

It has been so fun watching all of the other June bugs get their referrals over the past three months! While I don’t know any of them in person, having been in the online group together for 4-5 years makes them important to me. As someone else described it on Rumor Queen – every referral announcement is like seeing a niece or nephew for the first time. Every one of the babies/toddlers referred so far has been absolutely wonderful. The first group is getting ready to travel!

Unfortunately China has just issued new rules regarding post placement reports – well, unfortunate for our family but probably good for kids overall. It used to be that you submitted a post placement report at 6 and 12 months and that was it (plus one more the first year to satisfy VA requirements). Now China wants reports at 1, 6, 12, 24, 36, and 60 months. It is not that big of a deal, but the 1 month one will be hard. In the past our social worker has required a month to write the report so she would have to come to our house the first week home. At least we really like our social worker. But who is to say she will be available still 5 years from now? Who knows if our agency will even still be around?

We will be fingerprinted for the final time next week. Assuming we don’t get any requests for evidence from USCIS, we will soon after get approval to bring our next child to the US as a citizen. That is the most important outstanding adoption-related thing we need to do – at least for now.

Nikolai

I have been a bad blogger – thanks to Facebook. I just wanted to share some cute stories from the past 6 months or so.

Nikolai is a talker, and talks almost constantly. If he goes 10 minutes without saying something, invariably it means he has something in his mouth he wants to spit out (a vegetable he has tried, apple skin, etc.). If he is mad he will also get quiet.

He pronounces almost everything perfectly, so when he doesn’t I think it is so cute. Instead of saying “don’t forget” he says “don’t have got”. He calls ninjas “injas”.

Nik: That car is in front of us (referring to the one behind us)

Me: No, that car is behind us.

Nik: No! That car is in front of my back!

Last fall, while trying to catch leaves as they fell from the trees last fall, Nikolai looked at me and seriously said, “we don’t have to catch leaves, we can just pick them up!” Yes, but…

After watching a Dora episode where they were trying to find wishing stars, Nikolai said he wanted a wish. I asked him what he would wish for, and he replied, “the moon.” So cute!

Nik and I met Chris for dinner at church and stayed for the beginning of the youth drama rehearsal. While Chris was talking to the kids at the front of the room, Nikolai ran up and wanted to be picked up. Without Chris realizing, Nikolai started making funny faces to make the kids laugh. He LOVES to be the center of attention.

The fact that he likes to be the center of attention makes pediatrician appointments easy. He loves everyone talking to and looking at him. At his 3-yr appointment, when the nurse was done checking his temperature, height, and weight, she started to walk out of the room. Nikolai called after her, saying “don’t have got my heart!” She responded that the doctor would do that, and Nikolai said, “but you’re a doctor.” After she clarified that she was a nurse, Nikolai told me “that doctor is a nurse!” When the actual doctor walked in the room, Nikolai immediately asked her to tell him a story. When she looked in his ears, she told him she saw a red bunny in one and a blue bunny in the other – just being silly. But at bed time Nikolai very seriously and with wide eyes told me, “the bunnies are still in there.”

A few days after the Christmas play at church, Nikolai declared, “my friend Patrick likes juice. He’s going to take all his friends’ juice.” Patrick played King Herod, and kept declaring loudly that he was the King of the Jews in the play.

I asked Nikolai if he wanted a sibling, and he emphatically said “Yes!” I then asked if he knew what a sibling was, and he answered, “yes, a candy!” It is just like him to assume the best - that something he doesn’t know is the most wonderful thing he can think of.

Another example of this thinking – One evening Chris declared that dinner was ready. Nikolai jumped up, declaring “Yay! Yay! Hot dogs!” (We were not having hot dogs)

The other day he got up from the chair in the living room and headed towards the kitchen. Just before entering, he turned back to us, held up his hand and said very seriously "don't come." Nothing suspicious about that statement! He was after a marshmallow.

Chris got Nikolai a carnation for Valentine's day and he acted like it is his pet. We put it in a little vase, which he had to carry up to his room when he went to bed. He placed the vase on his book case, saying "awe, good night little fella." He carried the vase downstairs with him the next morning.

Early one morning while it was still dark out, I was lying in bed and heard Nikolai walk past. I said, “Nikolai what are you doing?” and he answered, “I’m just getting the stool.” He picked up the stool and brought it back to his room, put it against the dresser, climbed up, grabbed a paci from the bin, got down and climbed back in bed! I am beginning to feel obsolete.

Fourth and FINAL LIDiversary

Today is our fourth LIDiversary. It is hard to believe we began the process to adopt from China 4 years ago. Time sure flies. I love all the excitement in the June group on RQ, as we are now less than a year away from bringing our kids home. People have started getting their nurseries ready, although we now realize that it is likely that at least some of us will get boys so final decorations will have to wait. Some of the early Junies may see a picture of their baby 6 months from now!

I alternate between excitement and panic. We know so much more about adopting now than we did 4 years ago (ask us anything – about any program J). With that knowledge comes the realization that not everything always works out well or is easy. Nikolai transitioned and attached easily; he very quickly caught up developmentally, really largely before we even finished the bonding period in Kazakhstan. Overall he is fairly healthy, and he has always been a good eater. His attitude of “everything is fun until proven otherwise” certainly helps him. There were aspects of his baby house that were great, and are pretty uncommon in orphanages. He had a consistent group of caregivers who really enjoyed and interacted with the kids, and his playroom was bright with lots of toys.

I remember everything about Nikolai’s adoption as easy, but looking back I can see that it was a process to get to the point we are at now. It is daunting to think about going through that process again – especially with a child who may have a significantly harder time attaching or have significant sensory issues. RQ did a good series of posts on sensory issues that can be read here http://chinaadopttalk.com/2010/01/12/different-kinds-of-sensory-issues/. You can read her posts on attachment here http://chinaadopttalk.com/category/attachment/.

During our visitation period in Kazakhstan, the first week Nikolai sort of played next to us, the second week he laughed and was excited to see us, but it was not until the fourth week that he reached back for us when we returned him to his caregivers. In China, our child will be handed to us after what may have been a long bus ride with people they didn’t know without any further transition – rip-the-band aid-off style.

After we came home, Nikolai was happy and engaging, and would cry for food or attention. But he did not seek us out for hugs and snuggling for some time. At the same time I realize I did not bond to him instantly either – not in the way we are bonded today where I think my heart would literally stop if I lost him. I found him adorable, but I was jet-lagged and sick and often just wanted a break. This is totally normal, and something we learned in adoptive parenting classes. It is especially important for people to keep in mind when bringing home a toddler or older child. When you suddenly have a stranger in your house who is grief-stricken and constantly raging or completely shut down, it is understandable that a strong bond is not felt immediately. Plus it is hard to shake a feeling of guilt when all your child wants is to go back to what is familiar to them. Fake it until it is real is the guidance always given.

Health wise, it is easy to forget that Nikolai had what we and other Kazakh adoptive parents called “orphanage cough” for almost six months. The doctor thought it might have been RSV or something like that. He had many appointments to get blood drawn and other evaluations just to get a baseline for where he was health wise. It turned out that all of his vaccines had to be repeated and that he had been exposed to TB and needed antibiotics for 9 months. He was in the 10% for height and weight, and quickly shot up to 50% in less than six months. So, life in the baby house was not exactly perfect.

I especially worry about how the China adoption will affect Nikolai. Before we had him, I would have said that we would be prepared to bring home a child and deal with anything, but now I am not so sure. I read posts of people who upon arriving in China find that their child has significant undisclosed needs and they are faced with a daunting choice of bringing them home when they feel utterly unprepared or coming home without a child. It would be SO much better if the orphanage/CCAA were honest in the paperwork. I always am relieved when I read that parents decided to continue, and heartbroken when they leave the child behind. But who knows how we would react in that situation? People often mention that there is no guarantee when giving birth that your child will not have significant issues and you can’t choose not to keep them. But adopting is not giving birth – and all adopted children have special needs that must be dealt with whether it be issues with speech, physical development, sensory, attachment, medical, or other issues; we are prepared to deal with these things. You can choose not to drink while you are pregnant, shouldn’t we be able to choose not to adopt a child with fetal alcohol syndrome if we don’t feel we can handle it?

I think that there are few issues that would cause me to leave the child behind, and most of those issues (mental illness, RAD, FAS) are impossible to diagnose in the one day you are given to make a decision. A child suffering from grief and exhibiting post-institutional behaviors (e.g., head banging, rocking) may appear to be severely disabled or autistic. How do you know in such a short period of time? The truth is you don’t. You just jump in and hope for the best. Many people describe the feeling of being handed their child for the first time as panic, as they put it “what the hell did we just do.” While there are no guarantees that the child is not disabled, I am lucky to have read many parents’ honest accounts about those first few days. In one example, the family was handed a 22-month old who did not appear to be able to even sit up unassisted, made absolutely no sound, could not suck on a bottle (the openings of bottles in the orphanages are large enough that the liquid just pours out), and certainly could not eat solid food. To the parents’ complete surprise, on the fourth day the child stood up and walked around! Chris and I are going to try to come to an agreement about some of the more common medical issues that appear in the NSN program. Some, like spina bifida and deafness, scare us more than others, so we need to do some research.

Of course the fact that I do remember everything as easy with Nikolai’s adoption should be reassuring. In rereading this post it sounds so discouraging. Now for the excitement part – yes, many things can go wrong, but in most cases everything ends up great. I know the first year or so may be hard, but you just take it one day (or one hour) at a time. Kids and parents make great strides in six months to a year. I have read only a few times out of the thousands of people adopting a second child that they had regretted it – and those times were only people whose children had severe RAD. I love having a sister, and want Nikolai to have a sibling. We are so excited about potentially having a baby in the house again (or at least young toddler). Nikolai keeps saying he wants a baby, and he doesn’t know that we are adopting yet (a year is too long for a 2-yr old to look forward to something). He will be a great big brother.

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*READOPTING: Several people have left comments on our blog requesting info on readopting in VA. I am SO sorry I haven’t checked the blog lately. If you still want templates leave a comment and be sure to include your email address – or you can get on the adoption in VA yahoo group, where several templates are stored.

And now, what everyone wants to see – new pictures of our cutie!

Late Night Musings

Yes, I went out with the young archaeologists tonight. They aren’t even that young – late 20s and early 30s. We went out to eat at a seafood restaurant on the water and then to a karaoke bar just a bit down the street from the motel. We work hard and it was good to relax a little.

I hate ticks.

One of the crew members is a great singer and sang in choruses throughout school. She wanted to sing three karaoke songs. Of course the DJ gave preference to his friends, so her third song didn’t happen until after 11:30. It was cute – after I told her that I was fine and had half a beer and half a napkin left to doodle on, she told her friend, “it’s ok, she’s not mad or anything.” Of course it makes me feel old to be the one who may be “mad” about staying up late, but they are sweet and good archaeologists so I forgive them.

Tomorrow I just have to monitor a backhoe and dig a 50-cm square hole 1.5 meters deep (or two). But I am sending the young ones to dig as many shovel tests as they can in an open field.

Ticks are bad.

How can anyone not want to be an anthropologist? There is nothing more interesting than watching people at a bar in a town you are not from on karaoke night.